I have been coming home early lately, I don’t hang out with the “boys”anymore, well not as much. The kids are my top most priority, family first!
Everything you spoke about so passionately makes perfect sense. Now I realize albeit belatedly you meant well.
Everyday I sit in the driveway waiting and hoping you will pull up miraculously with your wig in one hand and shoes in the other. “ Eric I am happy you are home early, i miss you so much. can we have a movie night? Please say yes.It’s been ages, I want to bond with my own husband”
“Eric what do you think about a mini getaway? It will be fun and bonding time for us. Our lives revolve around work and the kids and we rarely have time for each other”
Last text message….. “Eric I have tried, I have cried, I have begged, but you just don’t seem to care. I don’t complain to frustrate you, I want more than sharing your last name and co-parenting. I want us to be great friends, have lots of fun, fight and make up,grow together… we have been stagnant for too long. Let’s get professional help, we can fix things”
Terry i gave tons of excuses, I pushed you away anytime you came close,I took you for granted, i wasn’t interested in being your friend,I called you a nag, I broke you with my selfishness everyday,I placed everyone above you when you should have been priority.
It’s been almost two years and the searing pain i feel is still raw. I saw a grief therapist but I still can’t get past the pain. All I want right now is one more chance to treat you right, the way you wanted and deserved.
You were writhing in pain, you lost considerable weight, how could I have missed all the signs? You still outdid yourself and showed up for me and the kids every single day.
Terry the kids and i were your world.You put me first, and loved me beyond my selfishness, how could i be so blinded by self and not see or notice you?
Before we got married you told me how your dad abandoned your mother when she fell pregnant. Growing up without a father was so difficult coupled with your mother’s daily struggles to give you the best in life.
You told me how you loved and cherished family as you watched your foster parents love up on each other and dote on their children including you after your mum passed unexpectedly.
Dinner time was your favorite time, sitting around the table,holding hands to share the grace, sharing a meal and talking about how your day went… each member of the family.You wanted it in our home too but I was never there.
Every evening I sit around the table with the kids to have dinner… just the way you ALWAYS wanted. Terry your chair is EMPTY, I miss everything you were and all that I never allowed myself to experience.
It will be the second anniversary of your passing in a fortnight, I can’t get over the guilt of denying you all that mattered to you. I want one more chance to do right by you.
Terry you were my greatest gift. Life is empty and meaningless without you. I can’t make peace with myself,I am just existing,
I couldn’t even be there for you in your final hour, even at the last minute I failed you, your last words, “my children” before you slipped away with your foster siblings by your side,I hold so dear. I will pour all my love into our children and make you proud.
We will be moving to the new house soon, Jojo helped with the decor and set up
he insisted mummy would like things a particular way…. Our son knew you more than i did.
Terry that was our dream home , it will be empty without you. I miss you Terry, i do,so terribly, I wish I paid attention to your needs, I wish I did right by you.
I wish I told you how special you are and how blessed I was to have the most personable, afable and adorable woman as a life partner.
I was at your tomb last week, with your favorite flowers, which i never gave you, when you could see and appreciate.
Terry I apologized profusely, Terry I desperately wanted to hear your voice… yell at me, complain and tell me how unhappy you were. But you were quiet, you said nothing.
All I have is memories… a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart who loved me with the best part of her.